I was not planning on being friends with her. In fact, at one point when we had met years before, we later admitted to one another that we both thought, “She’s great, but I probably won’t be friends with this girl.” 

And then I was living with five other girls in a house after university. While I was in my Christian university, I was blessed with deep friendship and community everyday. Graduating from school did not just mean a new way to spend my days, but also left me with a profound feeling of loneliness, despite living with others. 

There were certain friendships that kept leaving me dry. I felt rejected or not highly valued. I wanted to connect in a deep way but didn’t know how to make it happen. 

In school, we were forced into closeness by proximity - we shared classes, bedrooms, dining areas, friend groups, and more. But regular life didn’t facilitate what I once had. I didn’t quite know how to articulate it or what I even wanted... It wasn’t until I mentioned this lack to this girl (who I wasn’t close with and didn’t really plan to be close to), that she responded with knowing eyes: “I feel the exact same way.” 

There’s something exhilarating about finding someone who can look you in the eyes and validate your experience. We went for a walk a couple days later, talking for hours about the things we felt lacking in friendship, and the things we longed for. We  realized we were looking for similar things. 

One of the main things was a desire to  grow in our relationship with God – and not to do it alone. We wanted others to value it, want it for themselves, and hold us accountable to it. We both felt that outside our Christian university, we felt a little lost in how to pursue Jesus in this new context.

When we arrived back at our house after our walk, I invited her to listen to a talk I had been saving to watch. She said yes and as we watched, relishing in our joint desire to grow in God together, the speaker started spelling out a core part of his own discipleship: a small group. But not just a bible study or prayer group. He had five or so guys in his life that he met with weekly. They covered ten simple questions that covered key things in life like finances, purity of heart, relationships with others, prayer, bitterness in our heart, etc. He called this an accountability group.

Again, we looked up at one another with that same mutual look. This was what we were longing for. 

A few days later, we snuck out early on a Saturday morning to sit at a Starbucks and talk over the ten questions. 

It was not revolutionary at the moment, and we fumbled our way through trying to be honest with the other person without having established a lot of trust as friends yet. And yet, at the end, talking about how God was working in our lives felt like the depth and richness we longed for. It wasn’t perfect but it felt like something was right. 

For the next month or so, we would continue to meet. When I left to work in Ireland for three months, she pivoted to doing the ten questions with another roommate—it had become such a critical part of her week that she needed it to continue.

When I came home a few months later, the other roommate asked if she could join us when we met weekly because she also had tasted something she longed for. I barely knew her, but feeling like she held the same longing we did, I said yes.

From that day on, our trio was born. 

For the next year, the three of us met regularly and practiced what it meant to be vulnerable. To share things we didn’t want to say out loud. To cry over fears and disappointments. To bring others into internal struggles that had plagued us most of our life. 

The structure remained the same but the vulnerability, trust, and openness grew every time. Each week revealed themes the Lord wanted to bring to our attention. We slowly disassembled habits like anger, gossip, resentment, pride, perfectionism, and more.

There was something sweet after every time we met, like the satisfied feeling of working really hard. We felt exhausted, fighting internal battles, and sharing the depths of our hearts. We often ended it, wrapped in each other's arms relishing a feeling that we couldn’t quite name until years later: we felt completely seen, loved, and accepted for all of who we were.

The more we got to know one another, the more we knew how to notice themes of sin or themes of God speaking. 

We became sounding boards for the others to discern how and where God was working in each of our lives. 

The process was revolutionizing my idea of friendship. 

For so long, I thought of friendship as temporary. Previous experiences had made me feel too much, and worth forgetting. Little did I know that my accountability group was actually a process of being healed of that rejection, little by little each week. 

Every time I said something that was hard, they didn’t run away. They didn’t try to change the subject because it was uncomfortable. They didn’t even try to give advice. They just sat with me and tried to seek after the only question each of us are really after: what does Jesus have to say about this? 

It wasn’t about what they said but, week after week, when the other girls showed up to meet, it felt like they showed up to love me. I was worth their time, worth their love, worth their prayer, worth their commitment. They made space for me to talk and process. Over time, I became less scared. That shameful parts of me didn’t make them run.

It’s been seven and a half years now since we first started meeting all together. Each week, we still look at each other, amazed at the experience of being loved by one another and being loved by God. We are still learning new things. 

Even though parts of our life have changed—seasons of life, jobs, cities, homes, relationships, kids, desires, and missional callings – the constant desire to pursue God first and foremost has not. This is what keeps our group together. 

The thing that has changed the most is not our circumstances, but one another. We have grown up together. We have discipled one another through highs and lows, doubts and heartache, joys and victories.

It’s a wild experience to have a tangible marker for your growth in discipleship. 

The other day I sat before my two friends, presented with a common insecurity in my life. I was not defeated but I presented it to them saying, “here we are again.” 

One of the girls looked at me and stopped me. “Three years ago, two years ago, even one year ago—this scenario would have destroyed you. Look at yourself. The way you’re talking about yourself, praying about it with God. This is not a step backward, it’s a pointer to how far you’ve come.” 

I realized that not only did I have people around me who knew God and me so well that they could help point me to truth and growth, but that the very reason I’ve changed is because of them. This spiritual discipline in my life has changed who I am. It’s by rehashing, re-praying, re-examining this insecurity or wound in my life in community that I’ve learned how to slowly crawl out of it and step more fully into who I am. 

In the past seven years, no matter how far I tried to run from God, no matter how angry I became, how bitter I would get, that weekly meeting would always bring me back down. Each of them would look me in the eyes and remind me of who God is and who I am. The hurdles I have overcome throughout my 20s would not have been possible without them. 

At about year three, we decided this was for life. We all looked at each other and hesitantly spoke the desires we all had been cradling in our hearts: that the trust and love built between long-term friendship is something we not only want, but need if we want to keep moving towards holiness. 

It’s a big ask to step into a life-long commitment. And to be fair, it wasn’t what we signed up for in the first place. But it is without a doubt the commitment I want and need in my life. 

If you’re looking for something similar (and maybe feel a little intimidated to start), I recommend starting here:

Show up consistently - Even if sometimes you don’t want to. Often I want to just sleep in on a Saturday. But much like any other relationship, it’s built on choosing the other over and over again. It’s been one of the most transformational parts about it all. 

Especially in the beginning, be as consistent as possible. Don’t plan things over this time. Summer is always a hard time for us as we’re often gone on different weekends. But we always make it up during the week with a call or meet up. 

As an introvert, having consistent social gatherings felt very overwhelming at first. But the biggest thing I’ve learned is that a lot of my introverted nature is just how much energy I feel like I need to show up for others and if I’m safe with them. Over time, I have learned to trust that they will accept me exactly how I am (even if I’m tired and not overly chatty). Also, the more I experience them accepting me for who I am, the more our interactions start to become the same experience to a spouse or family member—they don’t take my energy like other social settings. This social circle is also small – three is a great number personally for me! It’s not an overwhelming amount of people and I also don’t feel the pressure as the only one to be thinking and engaging with a topic. 

Set a time each week - It is exhausting to plan a time that works for people each week so set a time and stick to it. For us, Saturday mornings worked best for those that are moms and some of us who often fill our nights up. 

At first, this felt very, very hard. But to gain anything in your life requires sacrifice. Eventually I got used to waking up on Saturday mornings (we meet a little later than we used to now), and moving brunches to Sundays or free weekends. The longer we were in my rhythm, the more my whole social calendar just shifted to adapt to it.

Look for mutual desire, not necessarily mutual interests - The three of us are very different. None of us thought we’d ever be close friends when we first met because of our diverse interests, hobbies, and passions. But the thing that holds us together is our mutual passion to love Jesus well. It transcends all things and allows us to meet one another in every way. 

In fact, our different perspectives, dreams, and gifts allow us to hear God in different ways and come to understand him more holistically. I have found that a mutual foundation of love for God is stronger than anything else you can build on. 

Encourage everyone to answer - Once you’ve established a group, just start going through questions! Don’t skip one, especially as you’re establishing your group. No matter what question you are on, everyone should respond. Sometimes forcing yourself to say “I don’t know” or “I’m not sure” helps reveal where God is inviting you to lean in more. It also makes sure that everyone gets space and time to be seen. 

Press in, even when it’s hard - With growing trust, we continue to press in, even when it comes to dealing with uncomfortable topics like sin. Just like the “criteria” for choosing who to be accountable to - much of what is established between the three of us is a trust in the other person to desire the best for us as well as our own willingness to accept our own flaws. 

Our approach is always to ask questions and help guide the others. We aren’t there to tell each other what to do, but help the other person grow in hearing God’s voice and following His lead. When it comes to revealing things that are uncomfortable or difficult, it often feels best to do it 1-1. Because we’ve established openness and vulnerability, even if we’re still wrestling with what the other person brought to us, we then bring it to the group to help talk, discern, and pray through it. 

For us, it’s been important that if we have relational tension between any of us (which is normal and bound to happen when you are in a relationship for a long time!), that we talk about it outside the group. We try to keep the group for spiritual growth and how God is moving in our life, and that often means making sure we’re relationally okay before going into our small group.

If it’s helpful, here is one version of the questions we use: 

  1. How have you sensed God’s presence during this past week?
  2. Have you taken enough time to be alone with God? 
  3. Have you received a specific answer to your prayer? 
  4. How did you do in your bible reading this week? 
  5. What has God been speaking to you through His Word this week? 
  6. How can you respond to this? 
  7. Did you express a loving and forgiving attitude toward others? 
  8. Have you remained pure? 
  9. Have you lacked integrity in your financial dealings or coveted something which does not belong to you? 
  10. Have you taken enough time to rest? 
  11. Did you need to confess any other sin? 
  12. Did you pray for non-Christians friends? 
  13. Did you share Jesus with someone in word or deed? 
  14. What worries or other issues are you currently facing? 
  15. What would you like to pray about?