For years I struggled with chronic fatigue. I could barely get through a day of work. I struggled to do things in the evening because I just wanted to sleep. I couldn’t seem to find time for prayer because I would just want to fall asleep anytime I tried to pray. I would fight against it, telling everyone I was ok! I didn’t want to admit I was someone who couldn’t function like a “normal person.” I would think about how energetic I used to be and pressure myself into acting like nothing had changed. 

My prayer life went out the window as I pushed past weariness into exhaustion. I was depleted, but I pushed on trying to grasp at the energy I once had. This led to an intense feeling of helplessness and anger! I would lay in my bed getting mad at God for allowing me to suffer in such a pathetic way. I refused to believe he was using my weariness for some greater good. 

After weeks of not being able to muster the energy to pray I was with a friend who encouraged me to pray the rosary with her. Since it was a Friday, we prayed the sorrowful mysteries which led me to reflect on  the image of Christ in the garden. During my reflection I was struck by the exhaustion our Lord must have been suffering in that moment. If you have seen the movie The Passion of the Christ you will remember the sweat pouring down Jesus’ face as he begs God to “..let this cup pass from him.” At one point during the scene he falls to the ground in complete exhaustion and pain. 

This is a man who understands what it means to be weary. And this is not the end of our Lord’s weariness…from the garden, he goes to carry a cross up a hill after every part of his body was beaten. 

When we come to Christ with our weariness we forget that He understands better than we could ever imagine. He knows what it means to reach the end and feel like you can’t go on. He knows what it’s like to feel crushed under the weight of your own weakness. 

This is what I remember as I try to go about my days expecting perfection from myself. God doesn’t expect perfection, he just wants us to come as we are. You might be telling yourself that because a year ago you could do a holy hour everyday you must be able do a holy hour in this season of life too, and that if you aren’t able, there isn’t even any point in praying at all. 

But this is a lie. God would rather have you come to him for five sincere minutes than for an hour of prayer that you do because you think you need to do it. God is only asking us to give what we can. He wants you to come to him. “Come to me, all who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest.  Take my yoke upon you, and learn from me; for I am gentle and lowly in heart, and you will find rest for your souls.  For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light'' (Matthew 11:28-30). God is the only one who can give us true rest. Often we push God away, thinking He is the reason for our suffering but in reality, He is the only one who can relieve us from the trials and tribulations of this world.

After reflecting on the Agony in the Garden, I felt the gentle pull on my heart to bring prayer back into my life. In no way was this easy, and on more than one occasion I would fail, but never did I completely allow prayer to leave my life again. I started small, which for me looked looked like five minutes in the morning asking God to bless my day. Then, I started listening to praise and worship in my car ride to work. During my praise and worship sessions, I developed the habit of listing all the things I was grateful for which would help me start the day on a more positive note. And so my prayer life continued to grow. When I started to pray again, I realized how much I had missed being in relationship with the Lord. When I wasn’t praying, my obsession with my own weariness had been the center of my life, which led to unhappiness and anxiety. But now that I was prioritizing prayer, my focus was shifting. Life just seemed more joyful and peaceful. 

This was the season of me taking a new path for we are all offered the crossroads of either trusting in God or allowing your life to fall into despair. If we choose to fall into despair we will quickly be taken up by our bad habits. We will be sluggish and angry, allowing ourselves to become hopeless and resentful. The good habits that we have cultivated for so many years will slowly disintegrate. 

On the other hand, the way of trust is you being left with a sense of peace because you know God allows everything for a reason. You will find yourself leaning on Christ instead of falling into immediate gratification. The trust you have placed in God will be rewarded by grace which will help you understand why God might have allowed this weariness to burden you. 

Now you may argue that God broke your trust by allowing you to experience this level of weariness so why would you place your trust in him again? I have had this thought on so many occasions about so many things…God doesn’t have my back, he gave me too much and now I’m broken and unable to function. If you have ever had this thought, here is a simple quote that I encountered the other day which clarified all of these feelings of doubt and frustration. 

“The cross I have been given has been hand-tested by Christ so that it will neither be too heavy nor too light.” (Dan Burke)

Remember friends, God will never give you more than you can handle! Next time you are experiencing weariness, come to the Lord with it. He is understanding and merciful, and more than anything he wants you to turn to him. Think of the passion of our Lord and remember that he can use anything for his greater glory. If given to God, weariness can be the path to eternal life.