Restoring Glory to Marriage
Vanessa and I were married in July of 2006 and since then everything has gone exactly the way we had planned.
Said no couple, ever.
Marriage is hard. Families are hard work. Children are challenging, even at the best of times.
The one thing marriage can guarantee is that you can expect the unexpected.
When our first child was born, we were full of joy and excitement. In addition to the expected changes in welcoming a newborn, we also experienced the unexpected. Our little newborn had to remain in the NICU for 7 days. We had purchased our first home and our mortgage had some complications. Our move-in date also shifted closer to when the baby was born. Vanessa had some complications that challenged her recovery. Times were stressful.
Over the years we have experienced everything. Happiness, joy, celebration, suffering, mourning, loneliness, confusion, frustration. Why does marriage present all of this? God wants to use all of our experiences as a way to bring glory into our marriage. And bringing glory into our marriage starts with the decision to love.
Each moment invites us to consider how we love. When we’re running kids to activities and dinner is not on the table, when things aren’t going as planned, and when our relationships are less than ideal—God invites us to find a way to love.
It has been helpful for us to recognize our capacity to love in marriage grows with our capacity to self-gift to each other. As Jesus gave his life for us, we are invited to give our life to our spouses—and that means experiencing whatever life has to offer. The good, the bad, and the ugly—Vanessa and I have grown closer to God and to each other.
We haven’t totally figured it out, but we’re always looking for ways to make it easier to chose love in marriage. Here are a few things we’ve learned so far.
Accept that in marriage you’ll always be learning.
Find families that you admire and learn from them. Before we were married, we had the privilege of getting to know some young faith-filled families. Through babysitting their kids, sitting together over meals, and observing the way they interacted with each other, we learned there was more to family life than our own experiences. Since getting married, we’ve remained students of marriage and of each other. Every now and then we choose to read books together. A few books that have been favourites of ours have been: 5 Love Languages, Love and Respect, and 33 Days to Morning Glory.
Make marriage the priority over absolutely everything.
Saying yes to one thing always means saying no to something else. Try to say ‘yes’ more than ‘no’ to your spouse. This one can be easy to say but hard to put into practice.
Do our kids feel like we don’t love them enough by putting each other first? Sometimes at the kitchen table, we’ll hear them talk about love. At some point, they’ll say, “Daddy loves Jesus the most, then mommy, then us.” They’ll say it in a tone that is a matter of fact but almost boastful. While it’s clear to our kids that we’ve made our marriage the priority, I think they’ve experienced love through our love, and security through unity.
Family schedules can get demanding, especially once kids are in school and activities begin to escalate in frequency. Whenever you’re at a crossroads and a decision has to be made: spend more time at the office or make it home for dinner, volunteer to coach your kid’s soccer team or keep the evening free for your spouse; choose your spouse more often than not.
Don’t date like you’re married; date like you’re dating.
We heard this advice before but what made it stick for us was creating clear expectation and a cadence for our dates:
- Daily - This one can be hard, especially after a long day of work and activities. For us, we just want to turn our minds off with Netflix or social media. But a simple check-in at the end of the day can keep hearts engaged. How was your day? Highs and lows? Sometimes this check-in turns into tactical discussions, sometimes the check-in is just a few minutes, or sometimes the conversation turns into something more meaningful.
- Weekly - We aim to go on a date once a week outside of our home. Usually, it’s for dinner but sometimes we can only manage a walk around the block or a drive out together. We don’t always make it happen but we commit to it weekly because we know that anything less frequent and it’ll never happen.
- Semi-Annually - We often look for weekend or day retreats that we can take on together as a couple. For us, it’s a time to “Sharpen the Saw” or work ‘on’ the marriage. Sometimes the retreats will have themes for us to work on, like communication, goal setting, or conflict resolution. Other times the retreat will be about spiritual formation. What has been impactful for us has been the ability to attend together and share together what we’ve learned.
- Annually - When we reached our 10-year wedding milestone we decided that once a year we would find a way to take a trip away together without the kids. That year we made it a trip to Rome, but other years it was a weekend away to Whistler or Harrison. We do two things—have fun together and discover what we value.
Figure out what you value together in marriage
When we’re in the busyness of life it’s hard to have meaningful conversations around what we value. Taking time away and having these conversations has given us guideposts for decision making in our family life.
Over time, we’ve discovered what we value as a couple: We want to live ordinary lives and allow God to make it extraordinary. We want to create meaningful relationships with each of our children. We want our parish to be our primary community. We want Sunday to look different from every other day.
So how does that impact our decision making? For making Sunday, it helps us decide on birthday party invitations, activities, or dinner plans. We’ll often try to elevate our dinner plan or find something fun to do as a family.
We still have a lot to learn when it comes to marriage and each other. We know that it won’t always be easy to choose love and the glory we desire in marriage will take time. We both find peace knowing that God is doing something good in both of us. Whatever unexpected things may come our way, “We know that all things work for good for those who love God.” (Romans 8:28)
Interested in joining our Online Worldwide Marriage Encounter? Register now before Oct. 9.
