It’s so easy as human beings to fall into revenge. There is a fine line between desiring justice and entering into the “let me give him some of his own medicine” mentality.

We have a natural inclination toward justice, toward equilibrium and equality, and when we are hurt or experience an injustice our kneejerk reaction is often to want to put that person in their place, giving them a taste of what they have done to us or setting them right.

A while back I had a conversation with someone and became angry at them. Their behaviour and words made me feel put down and disrespected. My reaction was to speak to them as they had spoken to me: with a patronizing attitude and tone of voice.

In a matter of seconds I felt that the evil done to me had been avenged. But instead of feeling light, I realized I had sunk into the same evil that I was rebelling against.

A darkness came over me and I remained angry and feeling justified in my response for the rest of the day – until I realized I had fallen into revenge and recognized how toxic revenge can be if we give into it or let it linger.

Just because we are Christians doesn’t mean we won’t feel urges to retaliate or allow our anger to bubble over toward feelings of revenge. It can be unsettling at times. In situations such as these I find it helpful is to listen to what our Lord and our faith teach us about revenge and to try to see others and ourselves through the lens of reality and God’s love.

St. Paul writes in Romans 12:19, “Do not take revenge, my dear friends, but leave room for God’s wrath, for it is written: It is mine to avenge; I will repay, says the Lord.”

When we take revenge we are taking God’s place: God who is the only one who is just and can give to each according to what is best.

The Lord knows the circumstances, the intentions, the disabilities, and the heartache of each one of us. Often when people hurt us it is unintentional and rooted in a combination of factors that aren’t fully in anyone’s control such as upbringing, temperament, genetics, and circumstances. Sometimes there are real disabilities and blindness that if we knew about and understood would move us to compassion instead of anger and revenge.

Dr. Mary Neal, an orthopedic spine surgeon, faced a review of her life during a powerful life-after-death experience. In her book Seven Lessons from Heaven she shared that after this life review she saw and judged people in a very different way.

She wrote about the powerful encounter with God’s merciful love that she experienced during the review of her life. “As I looked at each aspect of a scene or event, I was able to instantaneously see the life story of the people involved. I perfectly understood their emotional backgrounds, motivations, and feelings. I understood their side of the story, what they brought to the situation, and how we were each changed by it.”

Neal went on to write, “The rage and confusion I felt as a child when I was witness to physical violence was replaced by compassion as I saw how the hurts, expectations, and hopes of the people involved had brought them to that moment. Their personal history influenced their behavior and reactions, and I saw how that moment would transform their future.”

When Neal came back to her earthly body, and in the years since, this experience of seeing others and herself from a deeper perspective had changed the way she reacts to people who hurt or offend her. She has much more grace for herself and for others.

I truly believe that most people are doing the best they can with what they have. You never know what someone may be carrying inside. There is a lot of wisdom in giving people the benefit of the doubt and leaving judgement to God. It doesn’t mean that we excuse bad behaviour or turn a blind eye to injustice. Our sense of justice is God-given and should lead us to seek integrity in our lives and in the world.

One of the biggest lessons I learned from Neal’s experience is to not take things personally. In most cases the way someone treats us is largely due to their own emotional makeup or what is going on for them that day, having very little to do with me.

The best I can do is offer grace and a prayer, stay calm, and carry on. And if we notice ourselves becoming extra sensitive or easily triggered to anger or retaliation, we may want to check in with ourselves and see if there is something going on.

Sometimes stress, burnout, or other circumstances can lead us to take things more personally. That’s when we need to extend that grace to ourselves as well.