Have you ever found that the older we get the more difficult it can be to develop friendships—real meaningful friendship?

It was the Spring of 2011 when I nervously arrived at a downtown restaurant. I was meeting people I had never met and feeling so insecure. It was more nerve-wracking than a blind date! Through a network of mutual acquaintances, the three of us had been introduced because we were all looking for roommates. 

Since moving to Vancouver eight years earlier I had struggled to establish strong friends. I had a busy life and was surrounded by people at work, yet I was experiencing a sense of loneliness. I wanted to develop friendships outside of my work. I desired to have people in my life who genuinely enjoyed me for who I was and not just because of what I did. I had high hopes for what could come from this first meeting, and also deep fears about opening up my heart to people and having it broken. 

Although we really didn’t know each other well when we moved in, over the seven years we lived together we became such close friends. We not only shared the space of three different homes we occupied during those years, but we shared life. These ladies became so much more than housemates; they grew to be like sisters to me.

It took a while to get past the questions of, how can I know if they’ll get me? How can I trust that even on my bad days they’ll still be there for me? How do we get past small chat and superficialities? Can I trust that they won’t hurt me?

When I recall the first months of us moving in together I am amazed we survived, never mind became friends. In the beginning, we didn’t know each other well at all. Each of us had unique experiences and each of us carried our own expectations. There were discussions and arguments over a lot of things as we set up our home, including whether or not the toaster could remain on the counter! There were moments when we all wondered what we had gotten ourselves into. 

But we never left. It took time, but we learned to establish trust. We grew to accept and to genuinely love one another. Our friendship didn't just happen by accident because we were occupying the same four walls, however. Meaningful and deep relationships require deliberate effort and attention. It requires having the courage to be vulnerable, to allow yourself to be seen and known. We chose to open up to one another and to share our thoughts, dreams and feelings. 

As adults, this isn’t always easy for us. We have different schedules, priorities, likes and dislikes. But I found that in cultivating deep friendship you also have to stay the course. When things get difficult or busy, it is not time to run away, but time to lean in and to commit—this is where the good stuff starts! 

In our relationships we had to grow to accept and embrace differences. In the beginning stages we struggled at times because the gaps were wide. At times this made it difficult to understand each other. It took us time to appreciate each one's perspectives and to learn sensitivity to each other’s needs. There was a requirement for mercy and forgiveness when you were misunderstood or hurt. It took some grace to seek to assume the best of the other at times. In time we came to really honour the unique gifts each one brought to the friendship. Our diversity made our lives more vibrant.

I also needed to move beyond my own fears and insecurities to have the courage to be vulnerable—to allow myself to be seen and known. I chose to invest time and effort into my relationships with these women. I made deliberate choices to grow in communication, to be honest, and open with them. 

I shared my thoughts, dreams and feelings—the beautiful ones and even some of the ugly ones! Meaningful and deep relationships require risk and it was a risk I was willing to take because I believed that the potential for authentic friendship was waiting.

When our season of being roommates came to an end it was bittersweet. I knew that these ladies would remain in my life, but I also knew it was going to be a season of cultivating new friendships. 

After moving I returned to my former church. After mass one morning I was surprised to be invited to join a small group of ladies from the area who met every couple of weeks. I was amazed by how welcoming their community was. These women had been gathering together and sharing life for some time and I was a stranger to most of them, yet they warmly received me as one of their own. 

These women have embodied so much of what I learned while living with my roommates—they have opened up their hearts and their homes. They model authenticity in how they share their very selves with one another. They have been generous in their love and care for so many in their community—myself included. Through their examples, I have been inspired to continue to share my own heart with sincerity and vulnerability.

Amber and her roommates

When I left behind the comfort of the women I’d lived with for so long I was unsure where I’d meet new people or how I’d manage to establish new friendships, but I learned that community can be fostered. 

God has created us for relationships. We were created in His image and at the core, He is a relationship as the Father, Son and Holy Spirit. 

On the other side of deep friendship is something beautiful—deep, secure love that gives us just a glimmer of God’s love for us. God loves me and he knew what was best for me. I have come to see that these women were truly a gift from Him. Proverbs 27:17 says “Iron is sharpened by iron; one person sharpens another.” The gift of friendship with these women has refined me and allowed me to grow in holiness. It has pointed me back to Jesus. The journey isn’t always easy, but every effort is worth it.